How it all started : carefree little me.
I have always been a creative person. Among many uncertain things, that is at least one that I'm sure of. Little Young me was full of imagination, -annoyingly so- ever so curious, and definitely way too adventurous for my mother's peace of mind. I carefreely tried out everything I could have an interest in, just because I could. Music was pretty cool? Here I was starting classes. Drawing seemed interesting? Let me get a pen and this old carboard will do and voilà! Craving chocolate cake? I just found a recipe but I definitely won't stick to it… 'cause it's funnier this way, MY way'. More often than not I was losing myself in the thrilling and wonderful process of creation : writing stories, composing music, drawing, styling myself/friends/and 'Poupée' (the unfortunate doll that I got for my birthday that went through all of my attempts at being a fashion designer...OR a hairdresser. May the poor soul rest in peace).
Childhood, as a time when one is unaware of the expectations/rules/results oriented approach that often dictates 'grown people's actions, was a fertile ground for a daydreamer like I was. I was an explorer on a journey : aimlessly navigating through the sea of her creativity with the never ending curiosity that would fill the sails of my boat.
Growing up : Navigating life 101
And then I grew up. Duty and expectations led me elsewhere, on another journey, another adventure that is called 'life'. One hell of a ride that is filled with gruesome responsibilities, many uncertainties, but also opportunities, love, new experiences and oh! so many dreams. I fully dived into this deeper and wilder ocean. I learnt its rules : how to swim in those tumultuous waters, how to surf the waves. I also learnt the hard way how to hold my breath and just take the hit when one too powerful would crash right on me. It hurts. It is hard. And thrilling. It is somehow beautiful.
However, I also became so caught up in this race to fit in, to master those new rules that paved the way to adulthood, that I became unaware that those very same rules were shaping every aspects of my life. Many times for the better… but at times withering the light withing, muting the free spirit that once fearlessly explored the universe and dared not only think but also DO outside the box. Somehow as I became more 'competent' in some areas that definitely matter in our societies, I let myself be caught by the constant habit to aim for 'optimal' ROI, thus blindly agreeing to set certain standards that I -or my creations- should meet in order to be… relevant. As I was faced with success and great achievments, I went on on this path, not realizing that against my better judgment I was also trying to rationalize one of my most treasured asset, whose very essence laid in its untameable and limitless nature : my creativity.
Get it back : trials and missed attempts.
I was quick to notice how, as I grew, I had left some things behind, things that I cherished. Actually, what was hard was precisely that I had been fully aware all along the process that I was slowly drifiting away from things that mattered to me. I could see it in the way I would sometimes start questioning myself over things that once were instinctive. I could feel it in the way doubt would find its way in the process of creation, killing the work that had yet to be born. So when I tried to go back to this free place of creation that was once mine, it wasn't the same. I couldn't pick up my pen and randomly start writing because here I was already wanting it to be great or nothing at all. As I was aiming for this so called 'greatness', fear of failure would hinder my path and creativity. And as I was losing myself in the process of planification and programation, the spontaneity and the urge to create that had hit me would simply fade away.
I had changed. I had grown. It wasn't a bad thing per say though : it makes one wiser, more prepared, more able to deliver in the best suited way what they truly want to convey.
But now I just had to get back what I had temporarily put aside while growing up : this raw and fearless thirst for life, this unapologetic and spontaneous need to create.
A long awaited comeback
It wasn't easy at first. And to this day it still isn't. Going back to this internal place of contentment and acceptance where you feel free to create whatever comes to your mind is a difficult journey that requires passion, courage and self-tolerance. I didn't pick up my pen and randomly started writing things as I once did. For several years I had given thoughts of creating a blog, but each time I had hold back : self-doubts, pressure... I wanted it to be great or to at least match the strong vision that I had in my mind although I lacked the skills (seriously guys, learning how to decently use Adobe was a real struggle, and don't even get me start on co -waitforit- ding). I was also scared of the perception that people would have of my creation and of myself : this is a scary process, you're putting a part of yourself for the world to see, to judge, and the more you put your heart into it, the greater are the risks for you to get hurt if the feedbacks are bad. Finally, I also couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted my blog to be about as I had way too many passions that surely would make it look like a digital mess fueled by word vomit and random photos scattered in a wannabe 'edgy' kind of way. In other words 'way too messy, not clear enough, not efficient to find an audience and built a community that could relate to this'. All of those thoughts were kiling my blog before I could even give it a shot.
Cereines
And THAT, my friends, is when and why I created Cereines. (well, I wasn't struck by a theatrical epiphany as they probably will showcase it later when they'll make a movie about me...lol *insert an unladylike snort*).
Looking back, I now know that I never lost my creativity : I honestly don't think that is something you can lose but rather that it is just patiently waiting for you to be ready to free it once again. I wasn't solely aiming for perfection anymore from scratch and overly worried about the results, yet I wasn't completely aimlessly doing things relying on the sole power of my subconcious (unless I had consumed a fair amount of wine, let's be clear). It wasn't the same as was a kid and it was perfect. I had found a balance, an in-between that suited me : I knew what I wanted and broadly set and organized the steps to reach this goal, yet I gave myself space and freedom to explore along the way. Efficient yet freeing. I was mature enough to bring what I had learnt growing up without it completly retraining my creativity.
I now get that I just don't need to have it all figured out, especially when it comes to creativity. As long as it feels right you're on the right path.
So this is it : my universe. In all it was is and all it could be. It can take many forms and shapes : fashion, stories, poems, musics, and others that doesn't exist yet and that I may come up with along the way. That just is it : my universe, as imperfect, inexplored and expanding as it should.
I have always been a creative person. Among many uncertain things, that is at least one that I'm sure of. Little Young me was full of imagination, -annoyingly so- ever so curious, and definitely way too adventurous for my mother's peace of mind. I carefreely tried out everything I could have an interest in, just because I could. Music was pretty cool? Here I was starting classes. Drawing seemed interesting? Let me get a pen and this old carboard will do and voilà! Craving chocolate cake? I just found a recipe but I definitely won't stick to it… 'cause it's funnier this way, MY way'. More often than not I was losing myself in the thrilling and wonderful process of creation : writing stories, composing music, drawing, styling myself/friends/and 'Poupée' (the unfortunate doll that I got for my birthday that went through all of my attempts at being a fashion designer...OR a hairdresser. May the poor soul rest in peace).
Childhood, as a time when one is unaware of the expectations/rules/results oriented approach that often dictates 'grown people's actions, was a fertile ground for a daydreamer like I was. I was an explorer on a journey : aimlessly navigating through the sea of her creativity with the never ending curiosity that would fill the sails of my boat.
Growing up : Navigating life 101
And then I grew up. Duty and expectations led me elsewhere, on another journey, another adventure that is called 'life'. One hell of a ride that is filled with gruesome responsibilities, many uncertainties, but also opportunities, love, new experiences and oh! so many dreams. I fully dived into this deeper and wilder ocean. I learnt its rules : how to swim in those tumultuous waters, how to surf the waves. I also learnt the hard way how to hold my breath and just take the hit when one too powerful would crash right on me. It hurts. It is hard. And thrilling. It is somehow beautiful.
However, I also became so caught up in this race to fit in, to master those new rules that paved the way to adulthood, that I became unaware that those very same rules were shaping every aspects of my life. Many times for the better… but at times withering the light withing, muting the free spirit that once fearlessly explored the universe and dared not only think but also DO outside the box. Somehow as I became more 'competent' in some areas that definitely matter in our societies, I let myself be caught by the constant habit to aim for 'optimal' ROI, thus blindly agreeing to set certain standards that I -or my creations- should meet in order to be… relevant. As I was faced with success and great achievments, I went on on this path, not realizing that against my better judgment I was also trying to rationalize one of my most treasured asset, whose very essence laid in its untameable and limitless nature : my creativity.
Get it back : trials and missed attempts.
I was quick to notice how, as I grew, I had left some things behind, things that I cherished. Actually, what was hard was precisely that I had been fully aware all along the process that I was slowly drifiting away from things that mattered to me. I could see it in the way I would sometimes start questioning myself over things that once were instinctive. I could feel it in the way doubt would find its way in the process of creation, killing the work that had yet to be born. So when I tried to go back to this free place of creation that was once mine, it wasn't the same. I couldn't pick up my pen and randomly start writing because here I was already wanting it to be great or nothing at all. As I was aiming for this so called 'greatness', fear of failure would hinder my path and creativity. And as I was losing myself in the process of planification and programation, the spontaneity and the urge to create that had hit me would simply fade away.
I had changed. I had grown. It wasn't a bad thing per say though : it makes one wiser, more prepared, more able to deliver in the best suited way what they truly want to convey.
But now I just had to get back what I had temporarily put aside while growing up : this raw and fearless thirst for life, this unapologetic and spontaneous need to create.
A long awaited comeback
It wasn't easy at first. And to this day it still isn't. Going back to this internal place of contentment and acceptance where you feel free to create whatever comes to your mind is a difficult journey that requires passion, courage and self-tolerance. I didn't pick up my pen and randomly started writing things as I once did. For several years I had given thoughts of creating a blog, but each time I had hold back : self-doubts, pressure... I wanted it to be great or to at least match the strong vision that I had in my mind although I lacked the skills (seriously guys, learning how to decently use Adobe was a real struggle, and don't even get me start on co -waitforit- ding). I was also scared of the perception that people would have of my creation and of myself : this is a scary process, you're putting a part of yourself for the world to see, to judge, and the more you put your heart into it, the greater are the risks for you to get hurt if the feedbacks are bad. Finally, I also couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted my blog to be about as I had way too many passions that surely would make it look like a digital mess fueled by word vomit and random photos scattered in a wannabe 'edgy' kind of way. In other words 'way too messy, not clear enough, not efficient to find an audience and built a community that could relate to this'. All of those thoughts were kiling my blog before I could even give it a shot.
Cereines
And THAT, my friends, is when and why I created Cereines. (well, I wasn't struck by a theatrical epiphany as they probably will showcase it later when they'll make a movie about me...lol *insert an unladylike snort*).
Looking back, I now know that I never lost my creativity : I honestly don't think that is something you can lose but rather that it is just patiently waiting for you to be ready to free it once again. I wasn't solely aiming for perfection anymore from scratch and overly worried about the results, yet I wasn't completely aimlessly doing things relying on the sole power of my subconcious (unless I had consumed a fair amount of wine, let's be clear). It wasn't the same as was a kid and it was perfect. I had found a balance, an in-between that suited me : I knew what I wanted and broadly set and organized the steps to reach this goal, yet I gave myself space and freedom to explore along the way. Efficient yet freeing. I was mature enough to bring what I had learnt growing up without it completly retraining my creativity.
I now get that I just don't need to have it all figured out, especially when it comes to creativity. As long as it feels right you're on the right path.
So this is it : my universe. In all it was is and all it could be. It can take many forms and shapes : fashion, stories, poems, musics, and others that doesn't exist yet and that I may come up with along the way. That just is it : my universe, as imperfect, inexplored and expanding as it should.
"This is Cereines."
to be continued ;)
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